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Barney's Musical Scrapbook
(Instead of the intro, we immediately cut to the G-man entering his room through his door) G-man: Aw, man! That was a great 50th episode party! (He suddenly gets lunged upon by Pivot) Pivot: You motherfucker! Where the hell was my clip in the congratulatory montage?! G-man: Dude, you already made a cameo in that episode. If you made another one, people would think that’s redundant! Pivot: Screw you! (He pulls out his Stick Sword) Why, I oughta-! G-man: WAIT! How about, as an apology, we review something together? Would that work? Pivot (As he’s lowering the Stick Sword): Like what? G-man: I don’t know. Whatever comes up, I guess. (Cut to the VHS box art for Barney’s Musical Scrapbook, and then back to the duo) Duo: Aw, shit! (Cut to the intro, and then back to the duo sitting at the G-man’s desk) G-man: Seriously, I’ve had enough of Barney! How hard is that to understand?! (He sighs) Well, let’s get this shit over with, but first, a warning: (Cut back to the VHS case) G-man (V.O): According to the box, this has 50 minutes worth of sing-alongs! Pivot (V.O): You’ve got to be kidding me! Why did I sign up for this? G-man (V.O): Hey, I’m not going through this alone! It’s kind of a tradition. (Cut back to the duo) G-man: And with that out of the way, let’s begin. Pivot: This is Barney’s Musical Scrapbook… (Cut to the opening scene) G-man (V.O): After our usual opening song, we cut to our hell spawn for the evening. Barney: I’m glad you’re here, because I have something super-dee-duper to share with you! (Cut back to the duo) G-man: Unless it’s permission to kick your ass, I’m not interested. (Cut back to the film) Barney: This is my photo album. Pivot (V.O): Hold up! I thought we were talking about a scrapbook! This is false advertising! G-man (V.O): Our first flashback of many consists of Barney and his friends playing outside, and we get our first song. Yep. We’re not even 5 minutes in and already we have a song number! Barney and friends (Singing): Oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun. Please shine down on me! (Cut back to the duo) Pivot: Can you play something else? G-man: As you wish. (He points upwards as the Baby Shark song plays) Singer (V.O singing): Baby Shark, doo doo doo doo doo. Baby Shark, doo doo doo doo doo. Baby Shark, doo doo doo doo doo. Baby Shark! (Pivot suddenly slaps the G-man. Making the song stop. Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): As always, we’ll just skip it. Anyway, we go inside and… (A boy is using a paper fan on a bean plant) The fuck? Boy: Barney, you said plants need lots of light and fresh air to grow. Barney: Uh-huh… Boy: Well, then this ought to help the bean plant grow. (Cut back to the duo looking unamused) Duo (Simultaneously): You’re an idiot. G-man (Solo): Do you really expect the plant to grow when you’re doing that shit? That’s like the time I caught Pivot- Pivot: Don’t you dare say it! G-man: Okay, I won’t. I’ll show it. (Cut to a sketch with Pivot over a boiling pot of water. The G-man walks in) G-man: What are you doing? Pivot: Making holy water. G-man: How is that making holy water? Pivot: I’m boiling the hell out of it. (A punchline rimshot is heard as the G-man facepalms. Cut back to the film) Pivot (V.O): Anyway, after recreating Jack and the Beanstalk for no apparent reason, we get another song we’ve heard before. Barney (Singing): Well, the bird in the egg, and the egg in the nest, and the nest on the branch, and the branch on the tree, and the tree in the hole, and the hole in the ground, (Along with the kids) and the green grass grows all around all around, and the green grass grows all around. (Cut back to the duo) G-man: Hey, at least they didn’t show a nightmare-inducing bird. Pivot: What? (Cut to a still-frame of the creepy-looking bird from Barney Live in New York City briefly. When we cut back to the duo, Pivot is hugging the G-man in fear) Pivot: Holy shit! It’s the Mothman! G-man: The what-now? (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): Barney finds a kite in the treehouse, and we get another flashback. Pivot (V.O): You’ve got to be kidding! We don’t even get to breathe first?! Boy: But we only have one kite! Barney: Oh, I think we have more than that! (Kites magically appear in the kids’ hands. Cut to a clip from the G-Mod Idiot Box) Dr. Hax: HAAAAAX! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): Here, another song starts, but again, we’ll skip it. Pivot (V.O): The kids then find a note the reads… Girl: It’s another rhyme! Listen! Butterfly wings go flap, flap, flap. Make your hands go clap, clap, clap! (Cut back to the duo) G-man: Is this annoying you yet? If not, here’s another damn song! (Cut back to the film) Barney (Singing): This is a song and the Clapping Game. It’s so much fun to play! You can do it with a group, you can do it by yourself, you can do it most every day! (Cut to a clip from Screwed) Woman: Whoooooooooo cares? (Cut back to the film) Pivot (V.O): After the flashback ends, we meet another character named… Barney: You’re welcome, BJ! (Cut back to the duo with Pivot snickering) Pivot: Hey, G-man, have you ever had a BJ in the wind? (Suddenly, the G-man slaps Pivot) G-man: That joke’s old now. So enough! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): Also, aren’t we forgetting something in Barney’s Musical Scrapbook? THE WORD SCRAPBOOK! It’s never mentioned! Whenever it’s referred to, they say "Photo album". Why call a film something when the word in the title is never used? Pivot (V.O): Either way, we get yet another flashback. Girl: You look different, BJ. BJ: I do? Girl: Uh-huh. Something doesn’t look right. (Cut to a Vine) Woman: Bitch, is you blind?! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): The kids attempt to find BJ a new hat via a song sequence. What point does this have? (Cut to clip from Jeff Dunham’s Arguing with Myself) Peanut: None whatso-freaking-ever! (Cut back to the duo) Pivot: You know, why are we even watching it? Why can’t we just turn it off? G-man: Hey, someone has to go through this shit. Pivot: Forget this! (Pivot pulls out a DVD player remote and is about to kill the power when the G-man suddenly slaps it out of his hand) G-man: Sit back down, we’re doing this whether you like it or not! (Cut back to the film) Pivot (V.O): After a load of shitty songs, the kids decide to make BJ a new hat, and that’s the end of that flashback. Barney: Well, that story ended happily ever after. Didn’t it, BJ? BJ: It sure did, Barney! My friends made a new hat for me, and someone found the old one and mailed it back to me! G-man (V.O): Hold up! So all of that was pointless, then? (Cut back to the duo) G-man: Hold on… (He pulls out his iPhone and dials an anonymous number, after a while, a voice is heard) Voice (V.O): This is the movie. G-man: HELLO?! (Cut back to the film) Pivot (V.O): After BJ leaves through some magical bullshit, we get yet another fucking flashback! G-man (V.O): Someone named Tasha the Storyteller tells a story about the lonely number one, and seeing as how it would be obvious to play One is the Loneliest Number, I’m instead going to play this: (The first chorus for Aozora Jumping Heart plays briefly before we cut back to the film with the original audio) G-man (V.O): After this pointless bullshit called the Number Limbo, our flashback ends… (He sighs) Just so another one can start… Pivot (V.O): This one is about the time they pretended to sail to a place called, and we’re not making this up; Coco Island! (Cut back to the duo) G-man: Is that an island comprised of chocolate? That… (He shrugs) Sounds like someplace I want to go to. (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): This flashback lasts WAY too long. And guess what? There’s absolutely no point to it! It’s just filled with songs and padding! As always with these kind of things, we’ll just skip it. Barney: Baby Bop thought that Stella’s three-quarter hat was very funny! Oh! And that reminds me of another funny hat! (Cut to a bit later in the film. Barney is now wearing a party hat with his name on it. Cut back to the duo) Pivot: Wow! That hat is so funny, it makes me wanna sing! G-man: Amen! And a one, and a two… Duo (Singing simultaneously): A B C D E F G, let’s team up and kill Barney! Stick a shotgun up his nose, pull the trigger, watch him go! Sorry, kids, he is dead. Let’s play soccer with his head! (The sound of an audience applauding is heard before we cut back to the film) Barney: I wore it on a very special day not too long ago. I think I have a picture of that day in my album. (Cut) It all started one day when I was playing with friends out in the playground… (Cut back to the duo) Pivot: It was also the day the Fire Nation attacked, but that’s another story. (Cut back to the film) Boy: Barney, we’re going to have a party with lots of food and decorations! Barney: A party? This is going to be fun! I just like parties! Pinkie Pie (V.O): HOLD UP! (Cut back to the duo where Pinkie is in between Pivot and the G-man) Pinkie: "Like"? How can anyone just "Like" a party?! Pivot and the G-man (Simultaneously): …Where did you come from? (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): Another song starts here- (The text "SKIP IT!" in all capital letters pops up for brief moment as a buzzer sound effect plays) You read my mind. (Cut to after the song) Barney: Oh, my! Just look at this lovely grocery store, Baby Bop! BB: Is this where we get balloons? Pivot (V.O): Well, there are balloons there, so I’d say that’s a possibility! G-man (V.O): Anyway, after a whole load of shitty songs, the film ends. Yeah! It ends without the word "Scrapbook" being used even once! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: So, that was Barney’s Musical Scrapbook! Like the others, it sucks. (To Pivot) Well, Pivot, I want to hear from you; What do you think? Pivot: I think I speak for everyone when I say it should’ve been called "Barney’s Musical Crapbook"! G-man: Well said! Well, I am the G-man… Pivot: And I’m Pivot! Duo (Simultaneously): And that’s all you need to know about that! Peace! Category:Episode